Sunday, April 29, 2007

No One's Really Impressed, You Know

"Oooh. Look at us. Look at us. We can win the world cup three times in a row. Ooooh. Look at us. Look at us. We are so special."

It's shameful what lengths some people will go to just to attract some attention. It's disgraceful. It really is.

(Original idea for post by King Cricket. Picture courtesy Cricinfo)

Saturday, April 28, 2007


"I've had it with humankind", the mad scientist announced. "I have tolerated them long enough. But I shall not tolerate them anymore. Today I will unleash my Doomsday device upon them. My greatest invention. The single most exquisite implement of destruction ever built. It will be a device to end all devices. Terrible to look at, but beautiful to behold. The seas will rise to marvel at its splendor, the mountains will crumble at its roar. The Earth itself will tremble with fear. Humans will run in despair, but there will be nowhere to run, nor a place to hide. No, they won't be mocking me anymore. There will be no one left to mock. It will take care of them all..."

"Then again, maybe I'll unleash it tomorrow. There's a Mythbusters marathon on the Discovery channel tonight."

Monday, April 23, 2007

First Bananas, Now Peanut Butter

It's not easy being an atheist. When not being held responsible for moral decrepitude of society or being constantly reminded of fires in the pits of hell, one is plagued by nightmares of random food products out to destroy false belief and impose the divine will of god.

Sometime back, we were informed that the banana has been designed by god to induce nightmares amongst atheists (which by implication suggested that coconuts and pineapples are satanic). For months, I was plagued by images of giant mutant musaceae chasing me with pitchforks, lining my escape route with banana peels. The only way out, I decided was to renounce all fruits and eat only processed food. One can't go wrong with processed food, I reckoned. But now we are told that peanut butter too is an atheist's nightmare. The proof is irrefutable. Unless you have little green men jumping out of peanut butter jars, there can be no grounds for evolution. And no evolution surely proves the existence of god.

I must confess, all these revelations have put me in a fix. Not only is my faith in science shaken to its core, but now I am also fast running out of things to eat. And don't even get me started on the killer mayonnaise nightmares.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Things To Do in Bombay While Awaiting Your Visa Withheld Under Section 221(g) of the INA

  1. Twiddle thumbs (see previous post on thumb twiddling).
  2. Grow a beard.
  3. Gang up local teens in the neighbourhood. Recount stories about the 'good old days'.
  4. Alternately, if the local teens resist, wave fist at them angrily for having no respect for their elders.
  5. Avoid elders.
  6. Watch detailed analyses of Bangladesh's world cup game against Ireland on the forty-odd 'News channels' on television.
  7. Meet with old friends. Tell them how fat they've become. Ignore all slanderous comments targetted at the nose.
  8. Curse Section 221(g) of the INA. While at it, feel free to lavish profanities at Sections 221(a) through 221(f) as well.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Twiddle About

"If twiddling the thumbs were an Olympic sport, you would surely be assured a medal", I was taunted the other day. An Olympic sport? Surely, you jest. Twiddling thumbs is no sport. No, it is no simple means of amusement. Twiddling thumbs, is high art. It is, in fact, the rarest of rare gifts, bestowed only upon a chosen few. To call it a mere sport, even an Olympic one, is to belittle this greatest of art forms.

Not everyone is born with true talent. One can, however, over time, learn the basics of the art. And while I cannot yet claim to be an expert, I have enough experience to present here, for the benefit of the uninitiated, a guide to the dark and mysterious world of thumb-twiddling:
  1. The basic twiddle. The simplest and most common of the twiddles. In this, the hands are generally held loosely together, with the fingers intertwined, and the thumbs gently tapping against knuckles or webbing of the opposite hand. A common variation is having the thumbs tap each other at the tips.
  2. The fingertip twiddle. The fingertip twiddle is carried out with both hands open wide, joined at the fingertips. The thumbs typically twiddle in unison.
  3. The nervous twiddle. In the nervous twiddle, the hands are clasped tightly together, with the thumbs knocking furiously against each other. It can be easily identified during the last few minutes of a tense game.
  4. The open palm twiddle. This twiddle is characterized by having both palms open wide and fingers stretched all the way, intertwined only at the tips. The thumbs twiddle synchronously either laterally or in a circular motion. It is usually accompanied by a long-drawn yawn.
  5. The knuckle twiddle. Twiddling in this case is complimented by fingers rapping on knuckles. One hand is folded, while fingers on other hand are used to rap knuckles. The twiddling is usually in synch with the tapping, though it is not a strict requirement.

Remember, like all serious art forms, thumb-twiddling requires great dedication. Only through constant practice can you perfect the skill. Once you are comfortable with the moves listed here, you are encouraged to improvise. Try combining twiddling with other skills such as knuckle-cracking and finger-drumming. You are also encouraged to try and come up with your own personalized twiddle. Only once you have mastered this great dark art, you will realize, like I have, that there are few pleasures in this world as wholly satisfying as an idle twiddle of a flippant thumb.