Thursday, December 28, 2006

Good Riddance!

It's been a momentous week in cricket. Australia regained the Ashes, India finally won a test in South Africa, and Sreesanth gave a whole new meaning to the term dancing down the pitch. All of this however has been eclipsed by the news of Shane Warne and Glenn McGrath's retirement.

Talks are rife of a tearful farewell to the Aussie heroes at Sydney. I am sure however, that I echo the sentiments of millions when I say "Good Riddance". For a decade and a half these two tyrants have tormented batsmen the world over. And in doing so have created the aura of invincibility that so shrouds Australian cricket. Without these two in their ranks though, Australia will be crap. Sure they might still win the odd one-day tournament or two, maybe even the world cup. But no longer will they be able to brush aside the opposition with impunity or stroll through test series sweeps. In fact, very soon they'll be struggling to avoid getting thrashed by Bangladesh. By an innings. And 300 runs. Within three days. Trust me on this one.

Update: Justin Langer too has joined the retirement parade. With Gilchrist and Hayden likely to add to the list before long, it just reinforces my belief that Australia will be test cricket's new whipping boys.

Talking of Langer, one can't help but comment on his soul-piercing eyes. Right up there with Muralitharan and Damien Martyn, if you ask me. Cricket has lost an incredible pair of eyes.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Further Proof that God is a Lizard

Here's further proof that I have been right all along. God really is a lizard. And Komodo dragons, being the largest lizard species are the kings (or queens, if you may) of the gods. Take that all you disbelievers and naysayers. Who's going to save you from the coming of the great sticky tongue now, huh?

The finding provides irrefutable proof that the silly immaculate-birth-of-Christ story is merely an allegory about the great lizards and their wondrous ways. The story is clearly a parable based on the life of a famous lizard, who may or may not have been called Xarkwotz.

This latest revelation has caused quite a stir among disbelievers. While some of them have finally seen the light and are reverting to the reptilian way of life, others still stay in denial, claiming that god is amorphous and can take any form. To them, I say Rubbish! There is only one form of god, and it is a lizard. God does not manifest himself as a fish, or a goat, or a wild boar. And he most definitely does not manifest himself as a podgy, baboon-faced sportsperson. So come now, mend your errant ways, and join me in genuflection, as we all hail the lizard king.

Fantastical Mythical

I was recently asked who, in my opinion, is the most fantastical character in mythology (yes, I know it sounds odd, but people really do ask me these questions).

After mulling over it considerably, I've decided to cast my vote for none other than the demon of tooth decay, the demi-pachyderm known as Ganesha. Think about it. Here is a god that looks like something straight out of Dr. Moreau's island, balances a head disproportionately larger than his body, boasts of anywhere between six and six hundred limbs, and controls the fate of all humankind despite having a brain better suited for grazing. To top it off, he uses a rodent as his preferred means of conveyance. As far as I'm concerned, that alone is enough for him to clinch the prize. I mean, who rides a rat? Honestly.

where's the SPCA when you need it?

Monday, December 18, 2006


Lying curled up against the corpse
Of a once beautiful dream
He tries to gently sob himself to sleep
But tears too have forsaken those barren eyes
There can be no rest for the wicked tonight
No sleep for the depraved
Stumbling through the darkness he searches
For shards of pain to fill the void
Or the kiss of cold steel to put to rest
The treacherous heart that beats against his will

Inspired by a quote by Charlie Brown from Peanuts.
Oh, and bonus points for guessing what the poem is about.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Make War, Save the Wildlife

According to this report, continued insurgency in Kashmir has resulted in an increase in wildlife population in the valley. Apparently people there are too too busy shooting each other to shoot at animals.

The report has generated tremendous interest among environmentalists, who have pounced upon this opportunity to call for similar studies to be undertaken on the local fauna in Somalia and Afghanistan. If results from those studies corroborate the findings in Kashmir, it could mark the beginnings of a brand new approach to conservationism -- one based on regional conflict. Already there have been rumours of civil unrest being planned for Tanzania and parts of the Amazon river basin. Religious leaders from across the globe are said to have been consulted for establishing a long-term action plan for these regions. Plans are also being drafted for a maritime war operation in the South Pacific, aimed at protecting the coral reef. There is some debate however, on whether the use of nuclear submarines should be permitted.

Funding for the proposal is yet to be approved.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Road Rage

Making my way through traffic on the beltway listening to A Tout le Monde on the stereo, I was reminded of George Carlin. It was Carlin that once remarked, "In traffic, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac."

As I overtook another lumbering idiot and shook my fist at a passing maniac, I wondered what it is about driving that makes people so aggressive. What prompts otherwise level-headed, calm people to suddenly become foul-mouthed, intolerant fiends once behind the wheel? Could it be that that they really hate their cars so much that they can't wait to get out of them? Or maybe they really love their jobs and can't wait to get behind the desk and start being productive as soon as possible. Not very likely, on either count.