Chimp Denied Personhood

The Austrian Supreme Court, in its infinite wisdom, has decreed that chimpanzees, 98% shared DNA notwithstanding, cannot be deemed human. This groundbreaking ruling was passed against Matthew Hiasl Pan, a chimp of Sierra Leonese descent hoping to be adopted by an animal rights group.

As is often the case in such cases, the Matthew Hiasl Pan case revolves around certain vast sums of money. Matthew had apparently managed to procure these v. s. of m. through secret channels, and was looking forward to spending the rest of his days living in lavish opulence including, but not limited to, consuming massive quantities of musa lolodensis. The Supreme Court, however, was having none of it, and announced that only humans belonging to the genus homo sapiens can have personhood conferred upon them. Quite right too, if you ask me. Can't be going around conferring personhood on just about anyone. You make one concession today, and soon you'll have damned dirty apes running amok all over the place, forming trade unions, taking over our jobs, demanding equal representation in the parliament. That sort of thing.

The ruling has been widely hailed as a decisive victory for humankind. Especially by the section of society that takes offense at being equated to a simian.

At this point, you, the astute reader may be thinking "A-ha, I see what he's doing here". You are thinking that I'm going to use this as a segue to the monkey-gate scandal down under. That I will insinuate certain members of the Australian cricket team share more than just their first name with Matthew. Or that I will make a pass at how Darwin was convinced of the theory of evolution only after he visited the Southern continent. Perhaps even suggest that Andrew Symonds be deported to Austria.

I shall do no such thing.

You racist pig!